Home entertainment center annihilates Brandon Marshall

Broncos star wideout Brandon Marshall will miss up to four months during the off-season after requiring surgery on his right arm in the upcoming days. Why, you ask? No, not because he tried too hard in the weight room or because John Lynch was being extra rough in practice.


"I just wanted hash browns and some McNuggets," said the despondent Marshall.

Marshall, 24, will be missing four months (which, in football time, is equivalent to 2.93 decades) because he slipped on a McDonald's bag while engaging in "horseplay" with his family during vacation. Of course, a paper bag can't manhandle the 230-pound receiver, but a television set can: Marshall attempted to contain his balance after slipping by reaching for something, that something being a home entertainment center. Reports explained that Marshall, after putting his arm through the center, "sustained right forearm lacerations to one artery, one vein, one nerve, two tendons and three muscles." The home entertainment center, equipped with a switchblade, was later arrested after being discovered belligerently drunk in a strip club with Pacman Jones.

I can't help but feel bad for the Broncos, who have apparently pissed off the football gods in recent years. Cornerback Darrent Williams was shot to death after their final game two seasons ago. Running back Damien Nash collapsed to his death during a charity basketball game. Talented Buckeye star Maurice Clarett was caught drunk driving with an AK-47 and other dubious objects only months after the Broncos wasted a 3rd-round draft pick on the Furby lookalike. Jake Plummer's beard retired, sort of. Mike Shanahan's veins are still are about to implode. And now, arguably their best offensive threat was mugged by two inanimate objects.

Quick, somebody call Shannon Sharpe!

- K.H. (Still misses Terrell Davis)