Michael Vick agrees to lucrative 4-year, $.12 contract with Big Tito's Bitches

Puppy murderer and former NFL star Michael Vick has decided to continue his football career behind bars, playing quarterback for both teams in a prison football game. Apparently, Falcons guido owner Arthur Blank has been keeping in touch with Vick by letter and explained to the press that his imprisoned superstar has been "keeping in shape" (which is thug for "dropping the soap"). Blank also stated that Vick is making $.12 an hour washing pots and pans, a task more difficult for him than learning Bobby Petrino's offense.


Vick threw for 135 yards and 1 touchdown just before taking a "extra long" shower.

It's hard not to laugh when imaging Blank and Vick sending letters to each other: Blank getting his hair did while gunshots are blasted just outside his apartment in the Spanish Harlem projects, and Vick taping explicit pictures of his former boss on his cell wall.

Funny imagery aside, I sort of feel bad for Vick now. I mean, he was raised to become a legendary quarterback that redefined his position (which he did), and now he's at the very bottom of the ladder of life, doing things his $130 million contract didn't really mention. I'm even surprised the guy can write a letter. And now, we all have to watch Joey Harrington throw amazing interceptions while donning that ever-intimidating Falcons jersey. It's sad for us sports fans, really, though I'm not sure if our friends at PETA would be so sympathetic.

Well, at least we've got Vick's clone holding it down in Minnesota.

- K.H. (Does not root for Big Tito's Bitches)