Raider Nation continues to act accordingly

In some non-surprising news yesterday, the dog-drowning Falcons agreed with the ever-so-badass Raiders to send cornerback DeAngelo Hall for Oakland's second-round pick in this year's draft. Hall, who once recorded a ridiculous 4.15 40 (hand-timed), was once one of the most talented corners in the league just before that time he became a complete douchebag. The VA Tech alum continued to claim that he was the best at his position in the league, that is, before realizing he was on the 4-12 Falcons doomed for destruction by the hands of PETA.


Al Davis doesn't enjoy life.

Wait, a cocky, self-absorbed (but talented!) athlete to the Raiders? No, please, don't be surprised. Hall is just another example of why I believe Raiders owner and soon-to-be skeleton Al Davis is merely in the business to be the league's biggest asshole. It's true, the evidence is obvious:

a) Wisconsin tackle Anttaj Hawthorne, once expected to be a first-round lock, was expected to go undrafted after failing a drug test. Hawthorne was picked up by the Raiders in the 6th round, proving that living like Harold and Kumar does indeed get you somewhere in life.
b) Even after Randy Moss's very, very unsportsmanlike conduct with the Vikings and during his "Once-in-a-blue-moon" weed-smoking habits, the Raiders fed Moss millions in contract money even while he was lower on the depth chart than Johnnie Lee Higgins.
c) The Raiders drafted Florida State kicker Sebastian Janikowski with their 1st round pick (only one of the three kickers drafted in the first round) in 2000. This happened, of course, after Janikowski was charged with bribing an officer after he was caught partying and fighting in a bar. After being drafted, Janikowski didn't take the hint: he was caught with a date-rape drug, charged with DUI, and, once again, got himself into a bar fight. So damn classy right now.
d) After his Superbowl victory with the Colts last year, running back Dominic Rhodes decided to take the party on the road, driving at 81 on a 55 mph zone with a .09 blood-alcohol content. The Raiders saw incredible upside in Rhodes' ability to accelerate in traffic, immediately signing him to $7.5 million contract.
e) Only a year after they had lost to Tampa Bay in the 2003 Superbowl, the Raiders signed longtime Buccaneer and the NFL's most overweight asshole Warren Sapp to a seven-year contract. Sapp's proudest moment is definitely when he freakishly blind-sided Packers lineman Chad Clifton (ending his season in the process) and followed by calling coach Mike Sherman a "lying, shit-eating hound."
f) As any Raiders/football fan will probably agree, longtime Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski epitomizes the douchebag-ness of the franchise. Known for his uber-manly eye-paint and tendency to yell like Biff from Back to the Future, "Romo" has probably spent enough money on fines from the NFL to send the entire Raider Nation to group therapy. Now a horrible actor, he once spit in J.J. Stokes' face during a Monday night game and threw a football at Bryan Cox' crotch, thereby warranting one of the most ironic moments in NFL history. Romanowski is also well-known for the creating every single player in the popular N64 football game NFL Blitz.

The list goes on, really. From legal troubles to players throwing stuff at each other's crotches, the Raiders have intentionally become the wretched, but miserable, villains of the sports world. Thanks, Raider Nation, for somehow making the Falcons seem moral.

Hope you survive next year, Mr. Davis!

- K.H. (Rich Gannon Fan Club V.P.)

Report: The Patriots are still crying

Former Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel seemed pretty rushed to get out the hell out of New England, agreeing a six-year contract with the Eagles with the free agency market open for about six seconds. Though I'm sure the deal ultimately came down to the money, Samuel's swift foot to the signing table does tell you a lot about the Patriots' catastrophic downfall. Though I do think that he's a bit overrated, Samuel was a central part of their defense who managed to have a great season despite early insistence on holding out. Now, he's gone, veteran linebacker Roosevelt Colvin is gone, and their best offensive weapon (including Brady) Randy Moss isn't so sure on joining the team. Who's next?! Matt Gutierrez?! Even linebacker Zach Thomas was sure on rejecting an offer to join undoubtedly the league's best roster last season.


Undercover Patriot Asante Samuel preparing to infiltrate Eagles practices.

Add all this what-have-you-done-for-me-lately drama to the incredibly shady Spygate controversy (which is still being blackballed by Commissioner Goodell as I type), and you've got yourself a sad, pitiful tragic hero. Now, even with a demoralized squad and less star power, Bill Belichick* is burdened with the "2nd times a charm" expectations of those always optimistic Boston fans. But at least he's still got Troy Brown!

-K.H.

*This marks the first time I've spelled "Belichick" correctly on a first try.