Dwyane Wade enjoys old, botoxed "friends"

So rumor has it that virtually retired NBA star Dwyane Wade is dating the monster known as Star Jones. Yeah, that Star Jones (I don't know what other Star Jones you were thinking of), the big woman with the fat that disappeared overnight. Though Wade claims that the two are just "friends," they've been spotted together at a few events and D-Wade seems to get noticeably awkward whenever his pal Charles Barkley brings it up. Recent reports claim that Wade has finally removed Barkley from his "five."


Stayne Jades?

I'm not big into celebrity gossip, but this is too hilarious to pass up. Although I'm sure that Wade and Jones are indeed just "friends," you gotta feel bad for Miami's soon-to-be has-been. Only two seasons after winning his first championship, he leads the Heat to the league's worst record while losing his supposed best friend in the process. And now, he's rumored to be dating Star Jones, who ironically enough was once mistaken for Shaquille O'Neal.

But, like they say, "fall down seven, stand up eight" Unfortunately, Star really just needs some help standing up.

- K.H. (Not in Dwyane Wade's five)

In creative advertising campaign, G2 Gatorade makes Dwyane Wade lose G2wice in one night

The NBA has been complicated lately. Shaq is wearing a Suns jersey. The Rockets have won 18 games straight without Yao. Kevin Durant is still 38 pounds.

But the league doesn't really get much more complicated than the two games (TWO!) played between the Heat and the Hawks tonight. The Heat have the league's worst record despite their championship season only two years ago and division title last year. The lottery loitering Hawks, under the wings of four uberathletic point forwards, are now on pace to finally reach the playoffs for the first time in the century. The times are a-changing, folks, so you better trade for an old, washed-up veteran with too high of expectations!


Quinn: Shawn Marion's on the Heat?
Bibby: I'm on the Hawks?
Pachulia: WTFioeiurcznbkj?!

Both squads were involved in the league's first replay (sorry: re-play) since 1983 after their Dec. 19 game, in which a currently deceased Shaq was wrongly cited for six fouls. Before the normally scheduled matchup tonight, the teams played the final 51.9 seconds of the first game with the Hawks ahead 114-111, thus proving that time travel is indeed possible.

Apparently, one of the officials couldn't help but make a disturbingly funny joke: "That was the best game I've ever had," he said at the scoring table. "I didn't make one mistake." Moral of the joke: NBA referees are supposed to make mistakes. Oh, okay, I get it now! That's one of those jokes you hear your creepy uncle make about molesting a child, which you still laugh at for no apparent reason.

In those extremely riveting, back-and-forth, edge-of-your-seat 51.9 seconds, neither team scored...at all. The Hawks continued their oddly successful night by beating the Heat again in a 48-minute game behind Joe Johnson's 37 points. Gotdamn, that's almost an hour long!

So, the sorry Hawks beat the celebrityish Heat twice in one night. The NBA. Where wtf is happening to the NBA happens.

- K.H.