In defense of Paul Pierce

Although I've lived in LA my entire life, I've been a Celtics fan for eight long years and I've always considered Paul Pierce my favorite player. However, he has come close to being replaced during these playoffs mainly because he's guilty of what I consider a mortal sin in sports: flopping. Yes, I will admit it, during these playoffs, Pierce has flopped, he's flailed, he's even done the Vlade every now and then.

And yes, I do agree that the whole "popped"-knee-wheelchaired-off-come-back-with-Rocky-music-playing was unnecessarily dramatic. I agree that he probably didn't need to be carried off (well at least Brian Scalabrine did something) like a pregnant woman in labor. And I agree that his knee probably wasn't and isn't that sprained, if it is at all. And by the looks of it, so does Pierce.


"Ten years in hell and I get this?! Why, Brian, why?!"

But I do not agree that "The Truth" is a a) bitch, b) crybaby, c) pussy, d) baby, e) any other derogatory term that isn't exactly flattering. Trust me, living in LA, I've heard all of them.

Because throughout the past eight years, Pierce endured playing with starting lineups that included the likes of Raef LaFrentz and Jiri Welsh. He endured six years tag teaming with the NBA's worst crybaby Antoine Walker. He endured four coaches, none of them very good. He endured the infamous season last year, in which they did not even land either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden (thank god).

Hell, the guy even got stabbed eleven times once. ELEVEN TIMES!

...IN THE FACE!

So, basically, he endured a lot of stuff that would've forced a lot more than one trade demand from Kobe, who told his fans he had to leave after one bad season.

And how many times did Pierce publicly announce a desire to be traded from the hellhole of Boston? Well, if he has at all, I don't remember it at all.

This is not about his comparison to Kobe (I know what Kobe has that Pierce doesn't). Yes, ten years in purgatory doesn't justify an over dramatic scene that should never have happened.

But in the Finals, especially during most intense season of my lifetime, we all get a little hypnotized by the drama. Flailing our arms just a little more, falling a little louder on the hardwood, screaming a little more often.

Lebron did it. Rip did it. Ronny Turiaf has been doing it all season. I mean, this is the NBA, where even Robert Horry is still creating drama.

And Pierce is no different. And neither is everyone around him. I'm certain the Celtics superstar didn't tell the trainers "I need to be carried off and I need a wheel chair NOW!" With the entire nation gasping (or cheering) once he fell awkwardly, the rest of the series of events happened inevitably.

Pierce falls, he looks like he is pain, he gets wheelchaired off, he realizes that it's not as bad as it felt in front of millions of viewers, he returns to the court a la Willis Reed, he drains two threes in a row, Celtics win, David Stern sleeps easily.

Like all the drama in the world, it just sorta happened. And the spectators are as much to blame as Pierce because at the end of such an incredible season, we (Pierce included) don't want anything to come easy. Especially a championship.

And again, the guy got stabbed eleven times!

- K.H. (Never thought he would ever type the name Jiri Welsh again)

Sam Cassell reportedly interested in buying some weed

According to ESPN.com rumors, Celtics ugly duckling Sam Cassell is apparently "interested in Nuggs." NBA pals Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire are reportedly "hogging their grass because they don't want to be smoking on dat dro with Sam."


Yes, he is.

The Celtics guard, visibly stressed because his lack of playing time in the playoffs, loudly screamed to reporters "I just want my nuggs!" moments before meeting up with Martinez behind the bus stop on 13th and 2nd. He spent "$24 on a few grams."

This is really an unfortunate event in the NBA, a league that claims it really "cares." Why can't a grown man just get a damn nugg in peace?!

Ricky Williams declined to comment.

- K.H. (Go Green!)

Someone forgot to tell bald man that the ABA doesn't exist

Matt Mosley of Hashmarks reports that DumbJock favorite and Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has declared his predictions for this year's epic NBA Finals.


...in 1936

"I'm making a prediction," Hasselbeck told reporters after practice today. "I'm thinking Celtics in three. That's how good they are. They're so much better than the Lakers."

Aww, how cute! The bald man still thinks this is a five game series! "The Celtics in three!" This is almost as classic as when Vinny Testaverde picked the Spurs in 13!

In a eerily familiar scene, the disillusioned Hasselbeck added, "Garnett is going to get the ball and he's gonna score!" The Seahawks quarterback then took out his dentures, put down his cane, and proceeded to watch The Price is Right.

- K.H. (START SENECA!!!)

Brian Scalabrine and Walter Hermann are the only white guys in the Eastern Conference

So I haven't been into this whole blogging thing for a few weeks. I apologize but I'm back, I think.

In the 240 minutes of basketball that has already been played in the five games of this Eastern Conference Finals, not one white athlete has played a single second. Even with probably two more games left, I think it's safe to assume that Celtics ginger kid Brian Scalabrine won't be leaving his courtside seat anytime soon. And I don't think the Pistons are rushing to activate their Fabio lookalike Walter Hermann by Friday either.


"If I wasn't so lame, I would call you guys racist!"

Unfortunately, I dont have John Hollinger's enthusiasm for researching to actually research if this is the first time such an occurrence has happened in NBA Playoff history, but I would definitely put my money on it. And I guess it shouldn't be so surprising either considering that eight of the thirty NBA teams have entirely African-American starting lineups (that's if you consider Mike Bibby black).

So a black senator from Hawaii is probably going to be our next president, Michael Jackson is now officially white, and the once Bird/McHaled Celtics have not played one Caucasian man in the playoffs. Well, at least Darko's doing his part.

- K.H. (Predicts entirely Asian-American lineups soon)

Paul Pierce is not a crip

During my high school years in LA, my friends and I created a video clearly voicing our allegiance in the everlasting Bloods and Crips war. So, it really pleases me when I see that one of my beloved Celtics Paul Pierce, straight outta Inglewood, also "throws it up." (Check out Pierce's hand gesture at the :30 mark)



Video of Al Horford crip walkin' has yet to hit Youtube.

- K.H. (Blood member #293 - "Chino loco")

Mike Bibby bandwagon is officially dead

Shrek-lookalike and Hawks guard Mike Bibby doesn't take Celtics fans (myself included) too seriously. After a 104-81 playoff loss in Boston, Bibby explained to reporters in his Kermit voice: "They were kind of loud at the beginning. But a lot of these fans are bandwagon jumpers trying to get on this now. I played here last year, too. And I didn't see three fourths of them. They're for the team now and they might get a little rowdy but that's about it."


Mike Bibby takes time out with Mike Bibby bandwagon.

Keep in mind, this is after Bibby went 2-for-10 shooting and continued his reign as the league's most ambiguously raced point guard. "That's Mike Bibby speaking his mind," Celtics god Kevin Garnett responded "I wouldn't say it's the smartest comment, but that's Mike Bibby." (Translation: Mike Bibby ain't shit.)

Honestly, why do professional athletes insist on trash talking Boston? Usually, some good smack talk is directed towards the Clippers and Raiders of sports, not the Celtics and Patriots. Bibby's comment is almost as sad as Chargers token Russian Igor Olshansky's manly "Who?" when asked about the undefeated Pats.

Anyways, as both a Lakers and Celtics man, I couldn't hate Bibby much more anymore. But I would at least have some sympathy for him if he still looked like a cancer patient.

- K.H. (Proud member of Celtics bandwagon for seven years)

Celtics are the best team to be the worst team the year before

With a victory over the Bobcats last night sans The Big Three, my beloved Celtics clinched the NBA's best ever turnaround in a single season. To put things in perspective, Paul Pierce (I'm deliberately not even mentioning the team) won 24 games last season. So far this year, the squad has won 61 games with a few more left on the schedule. Yeah, I guess you can say the additions of KG and Ray Allen had a lot to do with that, not to mention the team's best offensive threat: Scot "Dopeman" Pollard.

I really love this whole winning thing, but honestly, my inner basketball emotions are a bit ambivalent. On one hand, I legitimately begin to tear up at the very possible possibility of the Celtics winning it all (and I'm bawling if it's against the Lakers in the finals), but at the same time, I kind of miss *gulp* sucking. It's kind of like Bill Simmons explained a few seasons after the Red Sox finally broke the curse: sports are just so much more personal when you're desperate. Yes, I love watching The Big Three dominate the league, but it was always captivating watching Pierce and a handful of D-Leaguers just praying for a victory.


The good ol' days

And when it came to pride, losing made it so much more worth it. This past decade has been arguably the worst of franchise history, yet I fell in love with the Celtics just about seven years ago. This means almost seven years of having to defend my love for a team that temporarily became the 21st century's Clippers. So, there was always a sense of truthful honor whenever a friend asked me how the Celtics enjoyed being killed by the Bobcats. Or looking at Rajon Rondo's alien face and imagining Brandon Roy teaming up with Pierce. Or just hoping that one day, just one day, that Sebastian Telfair might actually do something. Or putting a noose around my neck when we didn't even get the 2nd pick of the draft (I'm serious, you can thank KG for saving my life). Or wondering what the hell we were gonna win with Jiri Welsh starting. Or peeing my pants when I heard Allen Iverson was a Celtic, and then shitting my pants when I found out he wasn't.

And despite all these low, low points, Celtics fans endured Danny Ainge's dubious promises and still stayed committed to the hope of "maybe next season." In a sense, we were sort of like the Spartans from 300, who knew they couldn't win but still fought on. Except in our case, we ultimately beat the Persians.

But sometimes the bad ending is just more appropriate. So, I guess that means I'm an Oklahoma City Sonics fan now.

- K.H. (Kidding about that last sentence)

Celtics to give Brian Scalabrine more help

Professional journeyman and E.T. lookalike Sam Cassell is expected to sign with the Celtics after clearing waivers with the Clippers. Cassell will likely back up 18-pound guard Rajon Rondo, who has been playing surprisingly well against teams not named the Pistons.

As a Celtics supporter for the past 10 years, this season has become for me the light at the end of the tunnel known as "sucking." So, any potential disturbance to the team's late success scares me, especially when that disturbance is an old, washed-up bald man who might find it unsettling to play behind a 2nd year point with no shot (who also happens to look like an alien). Anyone who has watched a Celtics game this season is forced to notice the team-first chemistry on the court (See: James Posey on bench whenever anybody dunks...anybody), which hasn't necessarily been a defining quality of recent Boston rosters. Adding a demanding veteran risks might interrupt the brotherly love that Danny Ainge sold his soul for.


Phone TD Banknorth Garden!

However, I understand the move and, at the end of the day, would probably advocate it. After all, how can I smack talk Ainge after what he's done to the team in the past year? (Please don't remind about the past 9 years). Cassell has always been a proven winner and serves as a potent alternative to guarding the Chauncey Billupses of the East. Plus, he helped Garnett lead the Timberwolves to the Conference finals, where they were a Luke Walton away from the Championship, and also led the less than flashy Clippers to the Conference semifinals only two years ago. And as far as splitting time with Rondo, Cassell grabbed his only two championships while splitting minutes with Kenny "Barkley's Bitch" Smith on the Rockets.

So, yeah, I guess the deal is worth the squeeze (does that make sense?). And now the Dumb Jock would like to welcome Mr. Cassell to Boston, just don't screw it all up for us...E.T.!

-K.H.

Chuck Klosterman + Celtics = Peace on Earth

Renowned pop culture journalist Chuck Klosterman wrote for the New York Times Play Magazine, what I think is the most well written sports magazine, about Kevin Garnett's impact on the Celtics this season. I really enjoy when talented authors like Klosterman spend time between compiling best selling collections to write about sports, especially when its about the Celtics. Anyways, if you have some time, here's a great read:



What a Difference a Freakishly Long, Ungodly Talented, Defensive Wizard of a Man Makes
by Chuck Klosterman

-K.H.