In defense of Paul Pierce

Although I've lived in LA my entire life, I've been a Celtics fan for eight long years and I've always considered Paul Pierce my favorite player. However, he has come close to being replaced during these playoffs mainly because he's guilty of what I consider a mortal sin in sports: flopping. Yes, I will admit it, during these playoffs, Pierce has flopped, he's flailed, he's even done the Vlade every now and then.

And yes, I do agree that the whole "popped"-knee-wheelchaired-off-come-back-with-Rocky-music-playing was unnecessarily dramatic. I agree that he probably didn't need to be carried off (well at least Brian Scalabrine did something) like a pregnant woman in labor. And I agree that his knee probably wasn't and isn't that sprained, if it is at all. And by the looks of it, so does Pierce.


"Ten years in hell and I get this?! Why, Brian, why?!"

But I do not agree that "The Truth" is a a) bitch, b) crybaby, c) pussy, d) baby, e) any other derogatory term that isn't exactly flattering. Trust me, living in LA, I've heard all of them.

Because throughout the past eight years, Pierce endured playing with starting lineups that included the likes of Raef LaFrentz and Jiri Welsh. He endured six years tag teaming with the NBA's worst crybaby Antoine Walker. He endured four coaches, none of them very good. He endured the infamous season last year, in which they did not even land either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden (thank god).

Hell, the guy even got stabbed eleven times once. ELEVEN TIMES!

...IN THE FACE!

So, basically, he endured a lot of stuff that would've forced a lot more than one trade demand from Kobe, who told his fans he had to leave after one bad season.

And how many times did Pierce publicly announce a desire to be traded from the hellhole of Boston? Well, if he has at all, I don't remember it at all.

This is not about his comparison to Kobe (I know what Kobe has that Pierce doesn't). Yes, ten years in purgatory doesn't justify an over dramatic scene that should never have happened.

But in the Finals, especially during most intense season of my lifetime, we all get a little hypnotized by the drama. Flailing our arms just a little more, falling a little louder on the hardwood, screaming a little more often.

Lebron did it. Rip did it. Ronny Turiaf has been doing it all season. I mean, this is the NBA, where even Robert Horry is still creating drama.

And Pierce is no different. And neither is everyone around him. I'm certain the Celtics superstar didn't tell the trainers "I need to be carried off and I need a wheel chair NOW!" With the entire nation gasping (or cheering) once he fell awkwardly, the rest of the series of events happened inevitably.

Pierce falls, he looks like he is pain, he gets wheelchaired off, he realizes that it's not as bad as it felt in front of millions of viewers, he returns to the court a la Willis Reed, he drains two threes in a row, Celtics win, David Stern sleeps easily.

Like all the drama in the world, it just sorta happened. And the spectators are as much to blame as Pierce because at the end of such an incredible season, we (Pierce included) don't want anything to come easy. Especially a championship.

And again, the guy got stabbed eleven times!

- K.H. (Never thought he would ever type the name Jiri Welsh again)

Sam Cassell reportedly interested in buying some weed

According to ESPN.com rumors, Celtics ugly duckling Sam Cassell is apparently "interested in Nuggs." NBA pals Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire are reportedly "hogging their grass because they don't want to be smoking on dat dro with Sam."


Yes, he is.

The Celtics guard, visibly stressed because his lack of playing time in the playoffs, loudly screamed to reporters "I just want my nuggs!" moments before meeting up with Martinez behind the bus stop on 13th and 2nd. He spent "$24 on a few grams."

This is really an unfortunate event in the NBA, a league that claims it really "cares." Why can't a grown man just get a damn nugg in peace?!

Ricky Williams declined to comment.

- K.H. (Go Green!)

Vlade Divac thankful he retired

According to ESPN.com, the NBA is finally imposing a rule that, y'know, makes sense. League officials announced at the pre-draft camp that it will begin fining athletes for clear cases of "flopping."

If you're unfamiliar with the term "flop," let me define it for you. Flop (n.) - 1) the unique wavy pattern of Mel Kiper's hair, 2) the intentional act of falling backwards onto the floor in order to warrant a charging foul from the referee, extremely annoying, 3) the act of flipping pancakes.

Vlade explains "the flop"

This comes at a crucial time for the NBA, when flopping seems to be at an all-time high with talented floppers like Manu Ginobili and Raja Bell dominating the game. However, several athletes aren't too excited by the NBA's move.

Pistons thug Rasheed Wallace explained politely, "All that bull[expletive]-ass calls they had out there. With Mike [Callahan] and Kenny [Mauer] -- you've all seen that [expletive]," Wallace said. "You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that [expletive]. That [expletive] ain't basketball out there. It's all [expletive] entertainment. You all should know that [expletive]. It's all [expletive] entertainment." In case you didn't know, those [expletive]s are just Rasheed's way of saying the f word.

Next up: Italian soccer.

- K.H. (I [expletive] agree with 'Sheed)

Joey Dorsey is a shady guy

According to SI.com, Memphis forward and NBA hopeful Joey Dorsey isn't too high on his teammates. In an interview at the NBA pre-draft camp, Dorsey explained that he "knew" that fellow Tiger Derrick Rose wouldn't be selected first overall by the Bulls.


Do not underestimate this man's knowledge

"They're going to take Beasley. I've got the inside," insisted Dorsey, "They're going to take Beasley. I won't tell you how I know. You'll see June 26. I can't say any more." Dorsey then handed the reporter a stack of $100 dollar bills and a bag of cocaine before scurrying off in his trench coat.

It must be sort of disheartening for Rose to hear his teammate declare that he won't be playing in his native Chicago. The Bulls are denying any knowledge of telling Dorsey anything about the draft, but in a league that hired the infamous Tim Donaghy, any shady business possible.

UPDATE: Joey Dorsey just "joshin' around."

- K.H. (Does not have the inside)

Brian Scalabrine and Walter Hermann are the only white guys in the Eastern Conference

So I haven't been into this whole blogging thing for a few weeks. I apologize but I'm back, I think.

In the 240 minutes of basketball that has already been played in the five games of this Eastern Conference Finals, not one white athlete has played a single second. Even with probably two more games left, I think it's safe to assume that Celtics ginger kid Brian Scalabrine won't be leaving his courtside seat anytime soon. And I don't think the Pistons are rushing to activate their Fabio lookalike Walter Hermann by Friday either.


"If I wasn't so lame, I would call you guys racist!"

Unfortunately, I dont have John Hollinger's enthusiasm for researching to actually research if this is the first time such an occurrence has happened in NBA Playoff history, but I would definitely put my money on it. And I guess it shouldn't be so surprising either considering that eight of the thirty NBA teams have entirely African-American starting lineups (that's if you consider Mike Bibby black).

So a black senator from Hawaii is probably going to be our next president, Michael Jackson is now officially white, and the once Bird/McHaled Celtics have not played one Caucasian man in the playoffs. Well, at least Darko's doing his part.

- K.H. (Predicts entirely Asian-American lineups soon)

Michael Beasley does not take Michael Beasley seriously

Last week, Kansas State superstar Michael Beasley, 19 (approximately 4 years old mentally), entered his name in the 2008 NBA Draft. However, the likely No. 1 pick, an admitted Sponge Bob Squarepants fanatic, seemed a little too comfortable declaring his eligibility. Beasley whispered sweet nothings into coach Frank Martin's ears just moments before bursting into laughter while he (in)formally announced his intentions.



For conventional standards, this isn't really the best way to begin the recruiting season. Beasley has been notorious for being more of a punk than an athlete (he once Sharpied his autograph on his high school principal's car in a competition taken way too far). Even though Beasley-advocates claim he's "grown," I can't really picture Manhattan, Kansas to be the most culturally enriching places on Earth.

So good job, Michael Beasley, for assuring NBA scouts that think you're an asshole that you are indeed an asshole. Just another day in the NBA.

- K.H. (Be Easy)

The NBA. Where gringo happens.

Last week, the Shaq-powered Suns defeated the Spurs in the US Airways Center. But apparently the NBA didn't get the memo that this game was played in Phoenix, not Tijuana. In an effort to involve the Hispanic community more in the sport, both squads donned jerseys labeled with the team names "Los Suns" and "Los Spurs." A few days later, the Heat (who really can't get any sadder right now) followed the trend in their match against the Magic, wearing uniforms under the name of "El Heat."


"Que's up amigo?"
"Nothing mucho hombray!"

I understand that the NBA is doing a great job of expanding the sport's fan base beyond American borders: the reigning MVP is German, China watches more basketball than America, and Argentina has been dominating the international scene. But if David Stern is going go bilingual on us, can he and his amigos at least get their Spanish right?

I'm stealing a little from celebrity blogger Paul Lukas, but seriously, this ignorant attempt at Spanglish is just like that one dude who orders food at Taco Bell with "el large-o drink-o" and "extra cheese-o." Yes, embroidering Los Soles or El Calor on those super expensive jerseys would be a bit drastic, but c'mon, what would be next? Les Celtics, Die Lakers, 雄牛 Mavericks?

Plus, Eduardo Najera would finally not look so damn awkward.

- K.H. (Hablo espanol)

David Harrison will (expletive) kill you

Pacers center David Harrison was suspended one game for telling an official that he was going "to (expletive) kill" Spurs ginger center Matt Bonner after a seemingly offensive offensive foul. While being escorted off the court, Harrison was so (expletive) pissed off that he (expletive) threw a (expletive) tantrum on the way to the (expletive) locker room that he need a few (expletive) stitches in his head.


Moments later, Chris Kaman was found (expletive) dead under the basket.

Considering that Harrison is, in fact, an Indiana Pacer molded under the unparalleled guidance of Stephen Jackson and Jamaal Tinsley, this shouldn't be much of a surprise. Well, considering this is the NBA, this actually should be expected. Players like Bonner should actually be...well, (expletive) killed.

Upon notice that Harrison was suspended, Bonner, who happens to be the only man on the Spurs roster with a sense of humor, responded, "You only get a technical for that? Will Ferrell got ejected for that in Semi-Pro." In the Spurs locker room, jokes are rare, but you know what they say, 60 percent of the time, it works every time.

In a rare, yet captivating, emotional moment for San Antonio forward Tim Duncan, the ten-time All-star replied, "Ha."

So, touche to Mr. Harrison and Mr. Bonner for allowing me to quote Anchorman for the first time in this blog. Just don't (fucking) kill yourselves!

- K.H.

In creative advertising campaign, G2 Gatorade makes Dwyane Wade lose G2wice in one night

The NBA has been complicated lately. Shaq is wearing a Suns jersey. The Rockets have won 18 games straight without Yao. Kevin Durant is still 38 pounds.

But the league doesn't really get much more complicated than the two games (TWO!) played between the Heat and the Hawks tonight. The Heat have the league's worst record despite their championship season only two years ago and division title last year. The lottery loitering Hawks, under the wings of four uberathletic point forwards, are now on pace to finally reach the playoffs for the first time in the century. The times are a-changing, folks, so you better trade for an old, washed-up veteran with too high of expectations!


Quinn: Shawn Marion's on the Heat?
Bibby: I'm on the Hawks?
Pachulia: WTFioeiurcznbkj?!

Both squads were involved in the league's first replay (sorry: re-play) since 1983 after their Dec. 19 game, in which a currently deceased Shaq was wrongly cited for six fouls. Before the normally scheduled matchup tonight, the teams played the final 51.9 seconds of the first game with the Hawks ahead 114-111, thus proving that time travel is indeed possible.

Apparently, one of the officials couldn't help but make a disturbingly funny joke: "That was the best game I've ever had," he said at the scoring table. "I didn't make one mistake." Moral of the joke: NBA referees are supposed to make mistakes. Oh, okay, I get it now! That's one of those jokes you hear your creepy uncle make about molesting a child, which you still laugh at for no apparent reason.

In those extremely riveting, back-and-forth, edge-of-your-seat 51.9 seconds, neither team scored...at all. The Hawks continued their oddly successful night by beating the Heat again in a 48-minute game behind Joe Johnson's 37 points. Gotdamn, that's almost an hour long!

So, the sorry Hawks beat the celebrityish Heat twice in one night. The NBA. Where wtf is happening to the NBA happens.

- K.H.