Tiki Barber released by Seahawks

Tiki Barber clone and former NFL MVP Shaun Alexander was released by the Seahawks today, not a surprising move considering the franchise had recently signed former Cowboy Julius Jones and the tub of muscle known as T.J. Duckett. The onlyambiguously gay Seahawk, Alexander has been pretty disappointing since his record-setting season three years ago, which I'm assuming is also the reason Matt Hasselbeck has pulled out all of his hair in frustration.


Alexander "released" only moments after this photo was taken
You've gotta feel bad for Seattle sports fans. The Seahawks always tease the city with pretty impressive performances, yet consistently manage to choke when it matters the most. The Sonics are Oklahoma bound and the Mariners have been pretty disappointing. Well, at least they're about to become home to the MLS's worst soccer team, a title only slightly better than the U-12 girl's AYSO champions.

But anyways, farewell, Shaun Alexander, thanks for being the NFL's worst ever MVP. Have fun preaching celibacy to your new teammates!

- K.H. (Hair For Hasselbecks club president)

The French may soon know where Seattle is

Speculation about the world's best soccer players playing in America is always cute. I remember rumors of Zidane, Raul, and the tub of goo known at Ronaldo effectively enjoying retirement in the MLS, yet we've only ended up with some douchebag who's more into himself than the sport. But wishful thinking aside, I peed my pants just a little when I read of the possibility of French star Thierry Henry joining the yet-to-be-named Seattle franchise that will join the league next year.


Kevin Durant can't touch this.

It makes sense: Henry loves America more than Americans hate the French. Microsoft chairman and club owner Paul Allen will most likely be willing to shell out a few of his kabillion dollars to lure one of the sport's most popular faces into the Emerald City. The 30-year-old striker hasn't really lived up to the hype in Barcelona, where he's scored only seven goals in 24 matches. Plus, the Frenchman hasn't really been so happy in the distant land of Spain, where he's divorced his wife and has faced kidnapping threats. And with the Sonics on their way to lovely Oklahoma, another big name with odd pronunciation (aside from Ichiro and Lofa Tatupu) just might fill the void.

I know it'll never happen, but until then, I can wait and imagine. Or maybe Beckham will finally, just finally, make soccer exciting in the States.

Beckham update: he doesn't plan on making soccer exciting the States anytime soon.

-K.H. (Bienvenue vers Seattle!)

The Oklahoma City Kevin Durants?

According to ESPN.com, the Seattle Supersonics, who look closer and closer to relocating to Oklahoma City next season, are considering changing their team name. The franchise, with a storied history in the Emerald City lasting over forty years, has flaunted some of the NBA's more interesting characters: Gary Payton, Detlef Schrempf, Shawn Kemp, and my personal favorite, nerd-turned-punk Robert Swift. Thus, it's not surprising to see some nationalistic movements against the possibility of the Sonics in the buzzing metropolis of Oklahoma City.



And as one-half of the NBA's real estate in the Pacific Northwest and of the famed I-5 rivalry (along with Trail Blazers), the Sonics' relocation will leave the national basketball map a bit lonely on the left hand side. The gray, rainy city of Seattle will now only have hairless Matt Hasselbeck and the Seahawks to devote their depressed selves to.

Especially if they do change their team name, I will genuinely miss the Sonics. I grew up watching Kemp's thunderous dunks, Payton yelling at referees for no reason, and Shrempf's European crew cut. And although I almost threw up at the first sight of skinny boy Kevin Durant in that green and yellow, I've come to appreciate him as the face of that city (just after Hendrix, of course). And besides, how could you not love a team with the same name as your favorite hedgehog?

And please, in the name of WNBA babe Lauren Jackson, just don't take the Storm too!

-K.H. (Robert Swift's high school bully).