Alexi Lalas thinks David Beckham is better than you, and you, and you...

General manager Alexi Lalas, the ginger kid responsible for David Beckham's $250 million immigration to Los Angeles, has been the face of the Major League Soccer administration for the past few years. But even with arguably the world's most popular athlete, the MLS hasn't necessarily been headlining any ESPN broadcasts lately, so you would think Lalas would at least be a tad bit modest about his career as a general manager. If Lalas really did want more Americans tuning into those extremely exciting Galaxy matches, you would assume he would promote the MLS and its athletes politely to potential fans.

Apparently, Mr. Lalas doesn't like being polite. In an interview last week with humble hosts Steve and Nick of Fox Football Fone-In (which, sadly, is probably the most popular soccer show in America), the Galaxy manager explained that Becks was "too big" for the show and for the American soccer community in general. Ouch.


After an intimate night with Beckham, Lalas reasoned that he was indeed "big enough."

His explicitly offensive response was prompted by Steve and Nick's complaint that the Englishman refused to appear on their show along with an L.A. Times article that derided Beckham's celebrity. T.J. Simers, author of the article, explained the futility of trying to contact the soccer star who has scored a whopping one goal for his team:

Talk to Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas and he sounds as if Beckham's work is already done here, proclaiming Beckham "is at an entirely different level" than Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan.Beckham might be Leiweke's "favorite athlete," as he says, but he dismisses Lalas' remarks by noting Beckham "isn't even as big as Kobe Bryant."
I thought he was brought to L.A. to put soccer on the U.S. map and make MLS or MSL or whatever they call the soccer league that ranks here right up there with the Arena league into something more meaningful.
Beckham is not a goal-scorer, and apparently not much of a talker, making him a strange choice to be a pitchman in this country. Kwame Brown delivered more than Beckham last year. -Simers, L.A. Times

As a member of that American soccer community that he felt so free to condemn as unworthy of the god known as David Beckham, Lalas' comments disturb me as much as the screaming Irishman Kenny on the World Soccer Daily Podcast, who asked "After spending the day with Snoop Dogg, Beckham has no time to call the show when he's out stuck on the 405?" It's pundits like Lalas and disappointments like Beckham that keep the beautiful game below Arena Football here in the States. And they wonder why us Yankees can't compete in the World Cup.

It's difficult not to feel bad for the Fox Soccer Channel, Lalas abusively berated the only channel (that is barely on air) willing to show some MLS matches, claiming it wasn't "big enough" for the only hope the league has. This phrase "big enough" is ironic and slightly amusing because Lalas, whose only shining moment is wasting $250 million dollars on a metrosexual geezer, is not "big enough" to even be a footnote on Sky Sports News. This asshole thought he was "big enough" to declare that Beckham could be bigger than Pele. But, American soccer fans, should we really intimidated by a guy whose name is Alexi?

So seriously, somebody please give this man an Eric Cantona karate kick to the face before the soccer community finally becomes "big enough."

-K.H.

The True American Election 2008

As the primary elections for the Democratic presidential ballot near, one question dominates common discussion among American citizens across the nation, attracting around-the-clock media attention, causing disruptive debates amongst all social classes, dividing closely-knit families and life-long friends: who is the NFL’s best quarterback?
Oh, and the Democratic ticket is pretty important too.
But if the polisports-oriented individual really thinks about it…what really is the difference between the race for football’s best slinger and George Bush’s long-awaited successor (unless GuiliRomney deflects the pass)?
Because, all sarcasm aside, the everlasting Brady – Manning debate is scarily similar to the intense Hillary – Barack election. Sure, comparing and contrasting the two contests might provide an interesting insight into the obvious differences between federal and athletic concerns, but I won’t be resorting to that because, together, the two races combine for one freakishly familiar competition:


One of the few times the candidates meet eye to eye.

Meet Hillary Brady. She’s been at the top for a while. She rarely smiles with her attractive-in-the-1960s-Clint-Eastwood-way face. But when she does smile, she fucking scares the shit out of you. Opponents cringe in fear in the same way they react to the dentist who smirked as he insisted that it’s not going to hurt “too much.” Her sex appeal is not for the faint of heart or for children, but only for those up for the challenge of being the inferior one in the relationship.
Aside from personal qualities she boasts an impressive resume, especially in recent history. She’s been dominating the contest lately and has long been associating with some of the most influential men in the in the profession. Her brawny hands boast three studded rings and hold a perpetually swaying pen capable of upsetting more lives than one. Her crowded shelf shows off just a few ultra-shiny trophies and the oversized key to New York.
But from a Bostonian background with an All-American swagger, she’s relatively quiet, but certainly not reserved. That cliffhanger attitude (just enough to keep the audience wanting more) isn’t advertising cookies on Saturday mornings; it’s selling cologne during late night commercials on Bravo. It helps that she has has marital problems before, but has somehow managed to get away with the forgive-and-forget philosophy and, in one situation, a child once she found consistent success. And though she has had her disagreements with past leadership, she strides while confident that everybody knows who’s wearing the pants now.
She does come off as a bitch, the result of a grim work face and a stereotype for her position. But aside from the unfortunate judgment, there’s not much to pick out of her character. She has no blameworthy qualities or gaudy statistics to back her (well, besides this year) except for a natural inclination to lead. Is that her opponents’ jealousy trying to undermine her?
And if all else fails, she can always rely on the usual African-American support, whether it’s merely by her last name or her ability to guide them to success even in heavy coverage [by sensationalist media].


Rain or shine, the war is always on.

Meet Peyton Obama. He’s cute, lovable, and just so darn nice. If his pearly whites haven’t already adorned your television, he’s already knocking at your front door ready to shake your hand. His recognizable voice is trustworthy, attracting all the major broadcasters, and he’s willing to be the class clown every now and then (even SNL loves him).
Audiences tend to love him when he’s not at work, admiring his congenial personality and next-door-neighboor looks. Despite a high status, he boasts a New York Times Best Seller background, with a father that has been mentioned more than once, that keeps him grounded to his roots. Did we mention he’s the industry’s best talker? And with a humble yet billboard-worthy persona, he’s got an entourage of big name stars just behind his back. Anybody who’s anybody wants to be on his side.
But modesty can come with a downfall: does he have the cajones to do what it takes to be the best? Can he go balls to the wall? Sure, he may be able to the maneuver away from the critics, but victory is best determined during crunch time.
Surprisingly, he’s enjoyed extreme success in the past year, ending any doubts about his lack of experience at the world’s highest stage. He has a rare and noticeable knack to adjust his gameplan given any scenario. Especially in these crucial instances, his words speak just as loud as his actions. His craft in avoiding the mistakes typical of most candidates is characteristic of any leader. Yet, he still faces questions about his production in comparison to other candidates. He hasn’t always had the best defense to support what he brings to the table against challengers. Sure, he’s been great lately, but is he worth the hype?
With a Mr. Rogers smile and a knack for leading, he has the capabilities to rise from behind to win it all. But even if he doesn’t, he has no need to worry: he’s got the name.

With both platforms addressed, who will the electorate ultimately choose as the country’s next leader? This is not a matter of QB ratings or exit polls, but instead an issue of who will step up when America needs him / her most. Forget CNN. Forget ESPN. This is America.



And in our next post: Tony Romoney and Brett Guiliani discuss this year’s darkhorse candidate: Tarvaris Gravel.