Mets win, Willie Randolph loses

I went on Mets.com at 3:30 in the morning to check out next week's schedule only to find out that Willie Randolph has finally been put out of his misery. As expected, pitching coach Rick Peterson and and first base coach Tom Nieto have also been assassinated.

Bench coach Jerry Manuel will become interim manager / scapegoat. Life expectancy: however long the 7 train full of angry Mets fans takes.


Thumbs up for irony!

The report was apparently written at 3 am and ESPN hasn't even reported it yet. The dismissal comes only hours after a pretty impressive victory over the Angels in Anahiem (for non-Mets fans: impressive victory = not common).

So, after months of disappointing play during Shea's final year, Omar Minaya fires Randolph after a win...on the road...at 3 in the morning?

I guess the Mets wanted to keep emphasizing the whole "bad timing" thing. Typical.

- K.H. (Welcome to the jungle, Jerry)

In defense of Paul Pierce

Although I've lived in LA my entire life, I've been a Celtics fan for eight long years and I've always considered Paul Pierce my favorite player. However, he has come close to being replaced during these playoffs mainly because he's guilty of what I consider a mortal sin in sports: flopping. Yes, I will admit it, during these playoffs, Pierce has flopped, he's flailed, he's even done the Vlade every now and then.

And yes, I do agree that the whole "popped"-knee-wheelchaired-off-come-back-with-Rocky-music-playing was unnecessarily dramatic. I agree that he probably didn't need to be carried off (well at least Brian Scalabrine did something) like a pregnant woman in labor. And I agree that his knee probably wasn't and isn't that sprained, if it is at all. And by the looks of it, so does Pierce.


"Ten years in hell and I get this?! Why, Brian, why?!"

But I do not agree that "The Truth" is a a) bitch, b) crybaby, c) pussy, d) baby, e) any other derogatory term that isn't exactly flattering. Trust me, living in LA, I've heard all of them.

Because throughout the past eight years, Pierce endured playing with starting lineups that included the likes of Raef LaFrentz and Jiri Welsh. He endured six years tag teaming with the NBA's worst crybaby Antoine Walker. He endured four coaches, none of them very good. He endured the infamous season last year, in which they did not even land either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden (thank god).

Hell, the guy even got stabbed eleven times once. ELEVEN TIMES!

...IN THE FACE!

So, basically, he endured a lot of stuff that would've forced a lot more than one trade demand from Kobe, who told his fans he had to leave after one bad season.

And how many times did Pierce publicly announce a desire to be traded from the hellhole of Boston? Well, if he has at all, I don't remember it at all.

This is not about his comparison to Kobe (I know what Kobe has that Pierce doesn't). Yes, ten years in purgatory doesn't justify an over dramatic scene that should never have happened.

But in the Finals, especially during most intense season of my lifetime, we all get a little hypnotized by the drama. Flailing our arms just a little more, falling a little louder on the hardwood, screaming a little more often.

Lebron did it. Rip did it. Ronny Turiaf has been doing it all season. I mean, this is the NBA, where even Robert Horry is still creating drama.

And Pierce is no different. And neither is everyone around him. I'm certain the Celtics superstar didn't tell the trainers "I need to be carried off and I need a wheel chair NOW!" With the entire nation gasping (or cheering) once he fell awkwardly, the rest of the series of events happened inevitably.

Pierce falls, he looks like he is pain, he gets wheelchaired off, he realizes that it's not as bad as it felt in front of millions of viewers, he returns to the court a la Willis Reed, he drains two threes in a row, Celtics win, David Stern sleeps easily.

Like all the drama in the world, it just sorta happened. And the spectators are as much to blame as Pierce because at the end of such an incredible season, we (Pierce included) don't want anything to come easy. Especially a championship.

And again, the guy got stabbed eleven times!

- K.H. (Never thought he would ever type the name Jiri Welsh again)

Sam Cassell reportedly interested in buying some weed

According to ESPN.com rumors, Celtics ugly duckling Sam Cassell is apparently "interested in Nuggs." NBA pals Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire are reportedly "hogging their grass because they don't want to be smoking on dat dro with Sam."


Yes, he is.

The Celtics guard, visibly stressed because his lack of playing time in the playoffs, loudly screamed to reporters "I just want my nuggs!" moments before meeting up with Martinez behind the bus stop on 13th and 2nd. He spent "$24 on a few grams."

This is really an unfortunate event in the NBA, a league that claims it really "cares." Why can't a grown man just get a damn nugg in peace?!

Ricky Williams declined to comment.

- K.H. (Go Green!)

Honoring Marshawn Lynch's driving abilities

So not much funny news lately in the spots world, besides Bills gold-teefed running back Marshawn Lynch's car being involved in a hit-and-run in Buffalo.  By the way, Lynch was spotted in the area of the hit-and-run and refuses to speak to police.  Also, the woman involved in the hit-and-run is quoted for telling police "Bills running back Marshawn Lynch was driving the automobile that hit me."  I don't know you guys, but I sense something fishy.

Anyways, to honor Lynch's shady driving skills, here's a video of the athlete driving recklessly back in his college days:

Don't do drugs, kids.

- K.H. (No Kevin Everett jokes here)

Someone forgot to tell bald man that the ABA doesn't exist

Matt Mosley of Hashmarks reports that DumbJock favorite and Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has declared his predictions for this year's epic NBA Finals.


...in 1936

"I'm making a prediction," Hasselbeck told reporters after practice today. "I'm thinking Celtics in three. That's how good they are. They're so much better than the Lakers."

Aww, how cute! The bald man still thinks this is a five game series! "The Celtics in three!" This is almost as classic as when Vinny Testaverde picked the Spurs in 13!

In a eerily familiar scene, the disillusioned Hasselbeck added, "Garnett is going to get the ball and he's gonna score!" The Seahawks quarterback then took out his dentures, put down his cane, and proceeded to watch The Price is Right.

- K.H. (START SENECA!!!)

Rodney Harrison is N0T going crazy about the gotdamn Superbowl, okay?!

Just in case you were wondering, Patriots BAMF Rodney Harrison is not haunted by that miraculous Manning-To-Tyree play (name still pending) of Superbowl XVII. Although Harrison was covering Tyree during his improbable catch, boston.com reports that the Patriots veteran has finally accepted "the catch" as "inexplicable."

"Not in a million years does he make that catch again," said Harrison. "I don't have any regrets on it. I saw the ball, went up for it, and did my best to grab it out. It goes on his head, so what can you say?"


This photo does not exist in Rodney Harrison's imagination.

It's almost four months past the Superbowl, and now Harrison finally accepts Tyree's catch as crazy? I know just about every New Yorker accepted the catch as crazy once they took another shot of Jack Daniels after thinking Eli was sacked. Trust me, I know...*sighs* gotdamnit Kenny.

But as well as I remember that play (which I don't), "the catch" was definitely inexplicable, something sent from the football gods to finally destroy the Patriots, including their ever-cocky safety. Unfortunately, some don't take losing so well and resort to profound existentialism:

"I think you have to understand that certain things happen that you just can't explain."

Sounds like somebody's got a case of the SUPERBOWL PWNG3! If only we could all just cheer him up with a BrianBillickesque kiss.

- K.H. (Took four months to get over that hangover)

Sasha Vujacic does not care about your money

CNBC's Darren Rovell reports that Lakers guard Jason Schwartzman, ahem, Sasha Vujacic just might have cost sports bettors a total of $100 million. In an celebratory asshole move, Vujacic shot a completely unnecessary three-pointer in the final seconds of Game Five of the Western Conference Finals against the Spurs:

"While Vujacic’s taking of the shot was a joke in the Lakers locker room, it turns out it was hardly a laughing matter for people that had bet on the Spurs to cover the spread. The line opened with the Lakers being eight-point favorites, but quickly moved to 7.5 points, meaning that Vujacic’s heave either cost people money (who bet on the Spurs) or turned their winning bet into a push."


Sasha wants to screw you over

Fortunately, this still means the Spurs are out of the Playoffs. Though it also means at least four more games of watching the biggest European dumbass in California (aside from the Governator of course).

But I guess when your name is Sasha and you wear a snapped condom on your head, even Kobe thinks your an asshole.

- K.H. (That doesn't include you, Sasha Baron Cohen)

Vlade Divac thankful he retired

According to ESPN.com, the NBA is finally imposing a rule that, y'know, makes sense. League officials announced at the pre-draft camp that it will begin fining athletes for clear cases of "flopping."

If you're unfamiliar with the term "flop," let me define it for you. Flop (n.) - 1) the unique wavy pattern of Mel Kiper's hair, 2) the intentional act of falling backwards onto the floor in order to warrant a charging foul from the referee, extremely annoying, 3) the act of flipping pancakes.

Vlade explains "the flop"

This comes at a crucial time for the NBA, when flopping seems to be at an all-time high with talented floppers like Manu Ginobili and Raja Bell dominating the game. However, several athletes aren't too excited by the NBA's move.

Pistons thug Rasheed Wallace explained politely, "All that bull[expletive]-ass calls they had out there. With Mike [Callahan] and Kenny [Mauer] -- you've all seen that [expletive]," Wallace said. "You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that [expletive]. That [expletive] ain't basketball out there. It's all [expletive] entertainment. You all should know that [expletive]. It's all [expletive] entertainment." In case you didn't know, those [expletive]s are just Rasheed's way of saying the f word.

Next up: Italian soccer.

- K.H. (I [expletive] agree with 'Sheed)