Joey Dorsey is a shady guy

According to SI.com, Memphis forward and NBA hopeful Joey Dorsey isn't too high on his teammates. In an interview at the NBA pre-draft camp, Dorsey explained that he "knew" that fellow Tiger Derrick Rose wouldn't be selected first overall by the Bulls.


Do not underestimate this man's knowledge

"They're going to take Beasley. I've got the inside," insisted Dorsey, "They're going to take Beasley. I won't tell you how I know. You'll see June 26. I can't say any more." Dorsey then handed the reporter a stack of $100 dollar bills and a bag of cocaine before scurrying off in his trench coat.

It must be sort of disheartening for Rose to hear his teammate declare that he won't be playing in his native Chicago. The Bulls are denying any knowledge of telling Dorsey anything about the draft, but in a league that hired the infamous Tim Donaghy, any shady business possible.

UPDATE: Joey Dorsey just "joshin' around."

- K.H. (Does not have the inside)

Streaking should be more common in Italy

In America, streakers are typically looked down upon as usually obnoxious, generally unattractive males with exposed body parts. In Italy, streakers are highly attractive females also with exposed body parts.



Totally not fair.

- K.H. (Translate this: Vafanculo)

Brian Scalabrine and Walter Hermann are the only white guys in the Eastern Conference

So I haven't been into this whole blogging thing for a few weeks. I apologize but I'm back, I think.

In the 240 minutes of basketball that has already been played in the five games of this Eastern Conference Finals, not one white athlete has played a single second. Even with probably two more games left, I think it's safe to assume that Celtics ginger kid Brian Scalabrine won't be leaving his courtside seat anytime soon. And I don't think the Pistons are rushing to activate their Fabio lookalike Walter Hermann by Friday either.


"If I wasn't so lame, I would call you guys racist!"

Unfortunately, I dont have John Hollinger's enthusiasm for researching to actually research if this is the first time such an occurrence has happened in NBA Playoff history, but I would definitely put my money on it. And I guess it shouldn't be so surprising either considering that eight of the thirty NBA teams have entirely African-American starting lineups (that's if you consider Mike Bibby black).

So a black senator from Hawaii is probably going to be our next president, Michael Jackson is now officially white, and the once Bird/McHaled Celtics have not played one Caucasian man in the playoffs. Well, at least Darko's doing his part.

- K.H. (Predicts entirely Asian-American lineups soon)

My 100th post (sucks)!

So I've been Jorge Posada-ing it lately, taking a week's break after a good two week run. You can blame finals, studying for finals, testing for finals, waiting for grades for finals, and most importantly, dreaming about the NBA Finals.

Anyways, I'm back with The Dumb Jock's 100th post. Thanks to my mom for reading this much. And to all of you non-existent readers, welcome back and I apologize beforehand.

- K.H. (Commemorative 100th Anniversary shirts not available)

Report: Marvin Harrison is indeed a wide receiver in the NFL

According to ESPN, Colts receiver and the NFL's only "nice guy" Marvin Harrison was involved in a shooting outside his bar in North Philadelphia earlier this week. Supposedly, the perennial Pro-Bowler got into an argument with one of his patrons before the man left in his car, where he was then shot in the hand. Reports claim that the weapon fired, registered under Harrison's name, was a "custom, Belgian hand gun that shoots .50 caliber bullets." That's almost as bad as Maurice Clarett's AK-47 under the passenger seat.


This is the best off-field action shot of Harrison I could find.

To any football fan not living under rock for the past decade, this whole thing is really weird. I'm legitimately shocked by the fact that a) Marvin Harrison is possibly involved in a crime, b) Marvin Harrison is from the ghettoes of North Philadelphia, c) Marvin Harrison owns a bar, d) Marvin Harrison owns a gun, d) I'm writing a post about the most boring athlete in NFL history. Honestly, I envisioned Harrison spending his free time playing chess, perfecting his moustache, or something else that's more boring than playing in Indianapolis for 12 years.

But, since this is the NFL, where receivers are only signed with a three-crime minimum, I guess I'm not that surprised. I mean, as long as Peyton isn't caught with hookers or anything.

- K.H. (Really hopes he doesn't regret that last sentence)

Dwyane Wade enjoys old, botoxed "friends"

So rumor has it that virtually retired NBA star Dwyane Wade is dating the monster known as Star Jones. Yeah, that Star Jones (I don't know what other Star Jones you were thinking of), the big woman with the fat that disappeared overnight. Though Wade claims that the two are just "friends," they've been spotted together at a few events and D-Wade seems to get noticeably awkward whenever his pal Charles Barkley brings it up. Recent reports claim that Wade has finally removed Barkley from his "five."


Stayne Jades?

I'm not big into celebrity gossip, but this is too hilarious to pass up. Although I'm sure that Wade and Jones are indeed just "friends," you gotta feel bad for Miami's soon-to-be has-been. Only two seasons after winning his first championship, he leads the Heat to the league's worst record while losing his supposed best friend in the process. And now, he's rumored to be dating Star Jones, who ironically enough was once mistaken for Shaquille O'Neal.

But, like they say, "fall down seven, stand up eight" Unfortunately, Star really just needs some help standing up.

- K.H. (Not in Dwyane Wade's five)

Paul Pierce is not a crip

During my high school years in LA, my friends and I created a video clearly voicing our allegiance in the everlasting Bloods and Crips war. So, it really pleases me when I see that one of my beloved Celtics Paul Pierce, straight outta Inglewood, also "throws it up." (Check out Pierce's hand gesture at the :30 mark)



Video of Al Horford crip walkin' has yet to hit Youtube.

- K.H. (Blood member #293 - "Chino loco")

Beckham vs. Ahmadinejad just not happening

According to SI, the Los Angeles Galaxy have denied a statement by the Iranian Football Federation claiming that the club was scheduled to play a friendly against the Iranian national team. A representative of the Galaxy explained that "it is very rare for the Galaxy to play any national team. The Galaxy likes to play top-tier friendly matches against other clubs and let the U.S. national team play the friendlies against other national teams."


After the Galaxy's refusal, the captain of the Iranian team angrily responded "تاجيكى!"

America's ultimate villain and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad later responded in a text to metrosexual Galaxy star Landon Donavan, "dude wtf?!"

There's a few funny things to note here: a) the fact that the Iranian Football Federation scheduled a match with the L.A. Galaxy without letting them know, b) that the Galaxy representative said that the team likes to play top-tier friendly matches, c) the image of the too cool David Beckham traveling to Iran as his homeless teammates carried his bags / children, and finally d) the MLS in general.

Honestly, it wouldn't be such a bad idea for the Galaxy. The rare publicity would do...something? Maybe the athletes could finally live up to their team name and travel somewhere else in the galactic universe. Yeah, sure, some Americans would be shot and/or killed, but is that really any worse than being in the MLS in the first place?

- K.H. (Only writes top-teir posts)

Report: Black man plays basketball in North Carolina

In his continuous effort to prove that he is indeed just anotha brotha, Senator Barack Obama played some hoops with the North Carolina basketball team on Tuesday. The presidential candidate hung out with famed UNC coach Roy Williams shortly before he posed for cameras, pretending to actually play basketball. By federal law, Williams was required to "sub in all the white guys."


Obama posting up against "one of the white guys."

"Let me tell you, these guys are big" Obama explained while hitting the showers, discreetly pointing to Tyler Hansbrough's schlong. When asked about his thoughts of the Senator's relations with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a confused Hansbrough added later, "I dun' even no who dat dam' [expletive] is."

So this makes a total of four posts devoted to "O'bomber's" basketball life in this blog. Though I'm a strong Obamanite, it's a little unsettling thinking that a presidential candidate could gain a large amount of votes just by shooting hoops with some jocks. It's actually a little sad, really. But hey, at least he didn't lose in Kansas!

- K.H. (fully enjoyed using the word "schlong")

Darren McFadden's mom hates me

According to the LA Times, the mother of prolific Arkansas running back / street thug Darren McFadden doesn't like New York City, which is apparently "too big" for her. Why does this matter? Well the Jets are one of the primary candidates to draft McFadden on Saturday, and earlier today, the Arkansas native told fans at the Draft Preview (myself included) that he would "love to play in New York."


Her baby is just too cultured and intelligent for New York.

The other likely future home for "Run DMc"? The Oakland Raiders, who select only two picks before the Jets. But too bad, Mama McFad doesn't like California either. The state is also "too big" for her baby.

She supposedly would rather have the running back play in the cultural hotspots surrounding "the Atlanta Falcons, Dallas Cowboys, whatever team they've got there in Tennessee." Unfortunately, the Oilers already have Lendale White, who is also "too big."

I live in New York now and am about to return home in California. So, though I'm a big believer of "D-Mac," I guess Mother McFadden and me wouldn't really see eye-to-eye in terms of our lists of "places I would like to live." However, I wouldn't mind taking a trip to whatever city they they've got there in Tennessee.

But until we meet Mrs. McFaddy, welcome to New York, where nobody knows where the hell Little Rock, Arkansas is.

- K.H. (Is also too big)

He's in the big leagues, you idiot

Mets pitcher Joe Smith was heckling back at some rowdy Cubs fans in Wrigley Field the other day. Fortunately, there's this new internet innovation called YouTube that has a lot of videos:



I think my favorite part is when the man with the camera tries his best to narrate the scene, explaining clearly that "Joe Smith is heckling the fans over here." I guess when you're name is Joe Smith and you're just some dude in one of the major league's best bullpens, you've gotta get recognized somehow.

And telling baseball fans "you're not shit" is probably not the best way to start.

- K.H. (Not in the big leagues, you idiot)

Dallas weather forecast: Rain

Stipper beater and talented cornerback Pacman Jones will be "making it rain" in Dallas after the Titans traded the troubled athlete to the Cowboys for a fourth-round draft pick. Jones, who has been public about his desire to play for the Big D, is living proof for children that you can have whatever you want in life, even if that means paralyzing an innocent man in Las Vegas. While being suspended by the NFL, Pacman has spent his time well: taking up new a new hobby in wrestling and promoting quality music.


He loves prison!

Good luck Pacman. We're all sure that you and Terrell Owens will be the most well-rounded, morally fulfilled tandem in the league. Now let's go make it rain on dem hoes!

- K.H. (Does not know any hoes)

Mike Bibby bandwagon is officially dead

Shrek-lookalike and Hawks guard Mike Bibby doesn't take Celtics fans (myself included) too seriously. After a 104-81 playoff loss in Boston, Bibby explained to reporters in his Kermit voice: "They were kind of loud at the beginning. But a lot of these fans are bandwagon jumpers trying to get on this now. I played here last year, too. And I didn't see three fourths of them. They're for the team now and they might get a little rowdy but that's about it."


Mike Bibby takes time out with Mike Bibby bandwagon.

Keep in mind, this is after Bibby went 2-for-10 shooting and continued his reign as the league's most ambiguously raced point guard. "That's Mike Bibby speaking his mind," Celtics god Kevin Garnett responded "I wouldn't say it's the smartest comment, but that's Mike Bibby." (Translation: Mike Bibby ain't shit.)

Honestly, why do professional athletes insist on trash talking Boston? Usually, some good smack talk is directed towards the Clippers and Raiders of sports, not the Celtics and Patriots. Bibby's comment is almost as sad as Chargers token Russian Igor Olshansky's manly "Who?" when asked about the undefeated Pats.

Anyways, as both a Lakers and Celtics man, I couldn't hate Bibby much more anymore. But I would at least have some sympathy for him if he still looked like a cancer patient.

- K.H. (Proud member of Celtics bandwagon for seven years)

Marvin Lewis does not speak Spanish

Despite Bengals star receiver Chad Johnson's publicized dissatisfaction with the franchise, coach Marvin Lewis is adamant that "Ocho Cinco" jugare para los Bengals en el estacion proximo. The Bengals even turned down a stacked offer from the Redskins, which included a first-round pick in this weekend's NFL Draft. And although the gold-teefed superstar insists that he will not play another game for Cincinnati, Lewis called his bluff, telling Johnson that he should just keep his promise instead of looking for a new home.


Please, Chad, just don't be so..sad?

If you know me, you know I've loved the "Ocho Cinco" even in the sad Jon Kitna days. I model the very small amount of my touchdown celebrations after his creative antics and I too cry when my team is 4-1. But, cool Spanish nickname or not, I really don't like it when quality athletes like Chad would rather waste their talent than prove why they deserve attention. So, Chad, if you can hear me (or if you can read), just give up, por favor. Do it for Cincinnati, for your pretend cheerleader wife, for Spanish-speaking football fans, and for all of your former teammates in jail.

And if you don't? Championship!

- K.H. (Habla Espanol)

Tiki Barber released by Seahawks

Tiki Barber clone and former NFL MVP Shaun Alexander was released by the Seahawks today, not a surprising move considering the franchise had recently signed former Cowboy Julius Jones and the tub of muscle known as T.J. Duckett. The onlyambiguously gay Seahawk, Alexander has been pretty disappointing since his record-setting season three years ago, which I'm assuming is also the reason Matt Hasselbeck has pulled out all of his hair in frustration.


Alexander "released" only moments after this photo was taken
You've gotta feel bad for Seattle sports fans. The Seahawks always tease the city with pretty impressive performances, yet consistently manage to choke when it matters the most. The Sonics are Oklahoma bound and the Mariners have been pretty disappointing. Well, at least they're about to become home to the MLS's worst soccer team, a title only slightly better than the U-12 girl's AYSO champions.

But anyways, farewell, Shaun Alexander, thanks for being the NFL's worst ever MVP. Have fun preaching celibacy to your new teammates!

- K.H. (Hair For Hasselbecks club president)

Barack Obama is good at basketball

I wrote a post a few months ago about a certain Barry O'bomber's skills on the court. HBO's REAL Sports with new NFL Network enemy Bryant Gumbel decided to top my blog (the first to ever do so) with a great feature on the Illinois Senator's career on the hardwood. If you don't have 15 minutes to spare, at least watch from 8 minutes in to see candid video of the future president ballin' up some Marines.



Go back to the WNBA, Hillary.

- K.H. (Can at least beat McCain on one-on-one)

Report: Jeff's "Michael Vick Night" idea wasn't a joke

According to ESPN, the Kansas City T-Bones of the Northern League planned to have a Michael Vick-themed "Welcome to the Neighborhood" party "complete with prison uniforms, spotlights and escape sirens. Other events promoting caring for animals also were planned." No, seriously.


"Stop makin' fun of me!"

Unfortunately, the idea was dropped following a substantial amount of complaints. Though, it's a funny idea and I guess it could be beneficial in raising animal abuse awareness. But when the Vick fiesta involves "a dog parade, pregame dog adoptions and entertainment by Rockin' Ray and the Sky Dogs," I'm not sure if the concept of getting imprisoned for hurting your pets would really strike a chord in the crowd.

In related news, the Las Vegas Cathouse Softball Team is holding a Pacman Jones-themed "Make It Rain" night, complete with strippers and violence.

- K.H. (RSVP'd already)

Steve McNair retires, thinks he's Brett Favre

Steve McNair retired a few days ago, concluding his overrated career which features a co-MVP (along with the somewhat more famous Peyton Manning). Don't get me wrong, McNair was definitely one of the quality, classy quarterbacks of the league and I once even called him my favorite football player during his on-and-off-injured-reserve days. Coming from the less than illustrious Alcorn State University, he's also probably one of the best small school stories in professional sports.


The "Air" ends his "Airness"

But McNair should've retired years ago because A) his body basically retired a few decades ago, B) he was transitioning from a legendary career in Tennessee into the ever-disappointing Ravens squad, and C) KYLE BOLLER!!! So really, this was old news. Bleh.

Thanks McNair for the memories. And always remember: don't regret, just blame Kevin Dyson.

- K.H. (THE Alcorn State University)

Michael Beasley does not take Michael Beasley seriously

Last week, Kansas State superstar Michael Beasley, 19 (approximately 4 years old mentally), entered his name in the 2008 NBA Draft. However, the likely No. 1 pick, an admitted Sponge Bob Squarepants fanatic, seemed a little too comfortable declaring his eligibility. Beasley whispered sweet nothings into coach Frank Martin's ears just moments before bursting into laughter while he (in)formally announced his intentions.



For conventional standards, this isn't really the best way to begin the recruiting season. Beasley has been notorious for being more of a punk than an athlete (he once Sharpied his autograph on his high school principal's car in a competition taken way too far). Even though Beasley-advocates claim he's "grown," I can't really picture Manhattan, Kansas to be the most culturally enriching places on Earth.

So good job, Michael Beasley, for assuring NBA scouts that think you're an asshole that you are indeed an asshole. Just another day in the NBA.

- K.H. (Be Easy)

...And we're back!

Apologies to my very few readers, I've been busy with schoolwork, tomfoolery, and what not. I'm thinking that this blog will get a lot more serious about the whole "daily post" thing once summer comes around. Until then, keep reading, tell your friends, and give me money.

- K.H. (Lied about the schoolwork, but not the tomfoolery)